Top 10 (un)Sexy Things About Cocaine
May 19, 2012
What’s the sexiest drug out there?
www.alcoholandadderall.tumblr.com
That’s right, Cocaine. While arguably Foxy, Molly, Ecstasy, etc are more actual fun in bed; its coke that gets most of the attention in NYC strip clubs, which everyone knows are the sexiest places on Earth.
Today, I’d like to do something a bit revolutionary and contradict this edict. Why? Because I’m an hypocritical devil’s advocate, so I know what I’m talking about. Also, because it’s funny. So, here it is…the top 10 un-sexiest things about coke.
10. Snot will drip all over your face, meaning it will drip all over whatever part of your partner you’re kissing. Face=disgusting. Pussy=yeast infection. Snot Face as your new nickname=priceless.
9. A layer of the drug will coat your tongue each time you snort it so that by the end of the night no amount of brushing or tongue scraping can take off the shellac, leaving you with breath like you’ve been sucking face with dead people. Come to think of it, coke fused make-out sessions are rather like sucking face with zombies. You will also get recurrent Strep infections and eventually become anti-biotic resistant and actually become a zombie. True Story.
8. Your teeth will fall out. Unless you’re 90, this is unacceptable.
7. My dad used to tell me that chewing gum made a girl look like a cow chewing cud. Coked-up jaw grinding makes a girl look like a mentally deficient cow chewing super glue.
6. Nose bleeds, dried up boogers the size of a man’s testicles, and mouth breathing (from the respiratory damage that you’re doing) are all decidedly un-sexy.
5. Instant diarrhea.
4. You will get stupider. But you will think you are smarter. This is a bad combination for most already stupidly unfunny people.
3. Cocaine does not seem to actually make you skinnier. You may not eat while you’re on it, but you’ll drink like a Wino and pig out on fried food the next day and skip your planned workout. Then you’ll lie about it and whore yourself out for Lipo…and more coke.
2. Paranoia, tremors, repeating yourself incessantly, crying, chatter-boxery, being overly bitchy…with the added bonus of knowing your money is going to support the G Men, everyone from Guerrillas to Gangsters in their quest to make money at the expense of the destruction of a people’s culture and the spilling of their blood…are almost as bad as how long this run-on sentence is.
P.S. I made up the word Chatter-Boxery. Use it. Its awesome.
1. And finally, the worse thing about cocaine is that you are rotting from the inside and will look like this by the age of 40.
www.sodahead.com
I mean, I’m sure she’s a really, really nice old lady. Because that matters.
My Greatest Fear
May 6, 2012
For all of us there is a topic that paralyzes us. There is that moment where suddenly a conversation or a situation veers in just the right way wherein we are suddenly done for. Legs tapping, fingers twitching, pure anxiety, we’d sell our soul for a cigarette, a bump of cocaine, an escape from the pure, raw truth. It is different for us each. For me, it is the knowledge that what I’ve gone through at this job, I’ve done to myself purposely. It is the knowledge that I could have escaped. it is the knowledge that deep down inside, I feel or believe that the very, very lost people who I work with, understand a part of me more profoundly than anyone else could, even though these people are purely destructive to me.
How do you deal with the fact that someone you love, someone who has watched your body become a tool in the trade, someone who has spilled their secrets passed the highest walls of defensiveness there are, is actually bad for you and your life? Can you really appreciate their place in your path and let them go? Or is that all a bunch of hippie BS? After all, who else is going to understand that fourth hour where all there was left to do was suck that pathetic excuse for a cock (cocktail peanut maybe?) as if your life depended on it? Are you supposed to just let go of the ones who’ve seen you through the worst of times because they are negative influences on your life? Are you supposed to just re-embrace your positive, ‘best’ friends again even though they seem to have abandoned you in your darkness? Even if that abandonment was probably your own doing?
Confronting dilemmas like this are what makes my anxiety churn to the breakdown level. It is not an easy answer. What is friendship after all? Is it being there no matter what? Is it standing up and demanding that someone live up to your standards or you have to let them go? Is it hooking them up with an opportunity to screw a guy over for money? Is it seeing someone at their worst and tolerating that, much less loving them despite or for that? Why is it so confusing?
