Hot Sex: Part 1
April 29, 2012
Hot Sex: Part 1: Cultivating Love and Passion in a ‘Less Than New’ Relationship
So, we all know that relationships get boring after awhile…that shiny, fascinating sex drive just wears off at some point. If we’re hopeful (or lucky), we say it goes through cycles of off and on. That habit your partner has of forgetting to turn the bathroom light off goes from charming (aw, he needs me) to homicide inducing (do I have to do EVERYTHING?!). You know what I’m talking about. And the only solution mainstream culture seems to have with all its marriage is forever ideology is “relationships are hard work.” Well, jeez, that sounds fun. Where’s the motivation? I mean, that’s like saying we’ll pay for your abortion with medicare, but not your birth control. Thanks. Side note, if I had the time and mental fortitude, it would be a great protest of this system to gather up women and just continually get knocked up over and over again until the system decided it would be more useful to pay for universal birth control.
So anyways, in my industry, it’s probably good that most of you don’t know that there is a solution to this fading love dilemma. I mean, married guys are my bread and butter, for better or for worse. But what you might not know is that pretending to be interested in your husband for hours at a time over years has taught me a few tricks. Tricks that would probably be far easier for you to implement seeing as how you actually loved the douche bag at some point. So, here it is. How to keep a relationship in that love-y, let’s go lock ourselves in the public bathroom phase forever more. And it’s not really work…more like a little game that comes with hot sex if you win.
First let’s do a couple of definitions. When I say love, I mean gratitude and appreciation, or awe of the other person. Sort of the more spiritual side of the partnership. When I say passion, think “kink” or a combination of one or more visual, physical or verbal turn-ons. These can be during, or before sex, ie. hair pulling, long bare legs, calling your partner ‘a whore’ or ‘slut,’ whatever little triggers added up that make sex go from “I hope they cum soon” to “It’s been ten minutes, wanna go again?” Good news? I’m gonna try to teach you how to get both.
Its going to seem really simple. I warn you. You’re going to be like, yeah, I know…done that. But I’m telling you, if you’re looking at your partner and praying he/she doesn’t try to spoon with you tonight, you probably haven’t really.
Okay, first things first. Most psychologists, well-meaning friends, and self-help books will tell you to talk to your partner about the problem. That this can open up new avenues of communication for you both and that this will free up the path to a happier love life. I advocate this approach with your parents, with your siblings, with that BFF you’ve been fighting with and even with your boss in some situations, but not so much with your romantic partner. Hello, we’re trying to recapture that magic and mystery that makes your chemistry flare, NOT put a big elephant in both your minds to judge your every relationship misstep. Unless you want to spend endless evenings over analyzing your relationship for years before you maybe have a breakthrough, and probably have a separation instead, learn from my past mistakes and trust me on this one.
So let’s start with the love part, because its gonna be easier to initiate passion if you actually can muster up some of that awe and appreciation first. The truth is, if two people really did love each other, then they probably still do. But we don’t sit and ponder on how wonderful each other are when we’re stressed at work, raising kids, exhausted and irritated, etc. unless our partner does something wonderful to alleviate any of those situations. But guess what? It only takes one person to initiate the cycle that can change all that back to those cutesy first 3 months of courtship. Hint, start by doing little things to help your partner with the difficult parts of their lives. They probably won’t notice them all, and they probably won’t notice right away. But keep it up and keep it varied and it will start to pay off. Change the kids’ diapers when it’s normally her turn. Give him a massage while he watches the football game instead of going to bed because you’re tired. Really listen to them and don’t say anything except ‘man, that sucks’ or ‘yeah, you’re right’ for a whole conversation. You get the idea right? I mean, unless you’re a moron…in which case, I probably can’t help you.
That’s the first part and you can start it even before you really ‘feel’ like starting it. I recommend this because it will probably eventually initiate return gestures and their appreciation of you which will help part two. Part two is simple on the surface, but harder in practice (as most things are). Once a day to start (before you go to bed, at the breakfast table, during your lunch time phone call), find something about your partner that you genuinely appreciate. The key is, you can’t fake this one. Look, reflect, what makes them an amazing human being? And no excuses and cop outs here people. I do this with coked-up, cheating infidels, remember? This is your partner. You like something about them. Now, tell them. Yep, interrupt them from their paper reading, look across the table at them like you did when you were 15, or 22, or 45 (whatever age it was back then) and bust out with “you are so beautiful the way you care about what happens in the world,” or “I love the way you butter your toast,” or “thanks for working so hard baby.” This is why you have to mean it…otherwise it’ll just be cheesy and sappy. Of course, they still might look at you with abject confusion. But keep it up. Once a day. It’s really for you, its reminding you why you love the person across from you. But the vocalization makes it real and if they start liking the complements, all the better.
Alright, alright, the fun part! SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I just got all excited too! Uh, BRB…where’s my vibrator? Fuck it, where’s my man? Okay, seriously, be back in a half hour…
Okay, (tucks hair back behind ears) I’m ready now. See what I did there? I went and interrupted my man for some play time when he thought I was working. Wasn’t he surprised?! I think we’ll both work better now. Alright, now this is where the stripper/whore in me really shines and I’m gonna let you benefit from my impossibly high ‘number’ of sex-capades. And no…I’m not going to tell you what my ‘number’ is.
So, when a guy comes into a VIP room, the first obstacle is finding out what they like. This is sort of like first dating, except in an unbelievably short amount of time. Now, the difference between dating and my VIP room is that I have an hour to figure it out and make sure the guy gets what he wants so he’ll come back again. In dating, people can go for years afraid to ask for, try something new or offend their partner because what’s working seems to be working and there’s this emotional fear of losing the other person. I challenge you to be unafraid to make a few subtle mistakes and change it up.
Remember, this is a sort of covert shake things up mission. The last thing the beautiful mystery of fucking needs (at least in my book) is a bunch of rules, permissions and verbal analyzation. But in the first ten minutes in a room, I’ll manage to do a few things and gauge the reaction I get from my victim…I mean client. Here’s an example, maybe I’ll run my hand up and down his thigh softly. Does he react, then maybe he just wants some affection, caresses, to feel sexy and needed…he looks bored? Well, then maybe as my hand goes over his chest, I’ll try pinching his nipple. He’s either going to get all hot and bothered or wince in pain. Wince in pain? “ooh sorry, didn’t mean to do that so hard.” Mistake over, keep going. The point is, in ten minutes I’ll have tried any number of different things to find out what the man (or sometimes woman) wants. Granted, some of them just pull down their pants and try to push my head in their crotch…but that’s not the general case. Though, I’ve never met a man to turn down a blow job. Ever. So, if you don’t like doing that…I suggest you get over it and learn how to do it really, really well. I’ll write a post about that someday in the future. There are tons of ways to make it more enjoyable for you. I used to hate it. Now…when I suck my partners cock, I get instantly aroused…but this is a trick for the future. For now, here’s a list of simple and subtle changes to try that can take that tiny, little “let’s make a baby” (or not) step into new territory.
–Nibbling and pinching on nipples and ear lobes.
–Licking/sucking/kissing in erogenous zones: ears, thighs, feet (yes, feet), backs of knees, ass/pussy/breasts/cock/balls of course, neck.
–Kiss and nibble parts of their body that aren’t erogenous zones.
–Try something a bit taboo. Talk dirty, stroke their asshole, pull their hair, suck on their toes (seriously, known so many people to love this and they rarely ask for it), pleasure yourself and see if they like watching, get in a new position (even if you’re pretty sure it’s not YOUR favorite, you might be surprised), switch up the power dynamic-try being either more passive or more aggressive, etc.
***Side note: Does your partner seem to enjoy biting, licking, sucking, or kissing more? Watch their reactions. Then, duh, do more of that…keep taking it one little step further over time. If they like biting, do they like it harder? If they like watching you touch yourself, don’t let them touch you for a bit and tease them with a show. If they like your finger stroking their asshole, do they like it going in? Proceed with caution to their limit. When you hit it, just back off and go back to what they were enjoying.
–Don’t fake it when they’re trying to please you. Even if you have been, guide your partner ever so subtly to where you can enjoy something if they’re actually attempting to please you. Put their hands where you want them or ask them to slow down a little with that tongue. Baby steps will start to open up a not so analytical exploration of pleasing each other. Of course, if you’re pleasing them…you can go ahead and fake it til you make it to some extent. That’s what they call expanding your horizons and not being selfish.
Notice that I don’t say hand-cuff them to the radiator, pee on them, dress up all in leather, or take the whips out…those things are all fine and awesome…but, we’re looking for subtle changes here. Once your routines start getting broken, a conversation will probably start to happen on a much, more, “our sex life is awesome, wanna try something new?” kind of vibe. As opposed to, “we seem to be having a problem, should we try to fix it?” Since sexual arousal is super psychological, I find this distinction important and is the ultimate reason that I advocate this sneakier approach, rather than the analyzation that therapists seem to love.
So, that’s a lot for today. Please leave your questions and comments below. Seriously, ask away. I’ve probably heard it before and I’d love to spout some of my found knowledge back out there, as well as learn some new things from all of you!